I've been casting the movie of my life.
Sometimes I hold mental auditions--
a way to entertain myself
if I'm stranded somewhere
without a book.
Sometimes my husband and I
issue a living-room casting call,
and deliberate together
which among the hopeful entrants
we'd choose for each role.
Of course, looking the part
doesn't hurt. But the perfect choice
is an actor who has the right...
charisma? body language?
a certain quality that
allows an actor to
inhabit a role convincingly.
After all, stage make-up
isn't exactly new technology.
Even with that allowance,
the task is harder than
it may sound.
We often resort to era-blind casting.
Or we create mutant composites
of groups of actors,
who each capture part, but not all,
of the essential distinguishing
characteristics of the role in question.
It's a work in progress.
Here's a portion
of the list as it stands:
My Mother- Patricia Routledge.
The main reason we chose Ms. Routledge
to play my mother is that
it's very easy, conversely,
to picture my mom playing
Hyacinth Bucket.
My mom loves her candlelight suppers.
And using words like blooming and petrol.
I guess the blood of pompous twits
runs strong in me.
Sometimes I think
Brenda Blethyn might be a better choice--
less satire, more substance.
And Blethyn certainly has
the chops to pull off my mom's
strange mix of timidity and stridence,
vulnerability, willfulness,
a body that betrays her...
But then, I agree with
a former professor of mine,
who said, "Brenda Blethyn?
Oh yeah. She can do anything"--
-- another quality that reminds me of my mom.
My Father- Rip Torn.
Or maybe Kris Kristofferson
with a lot of body padding.
He could be a Rhodes Scholar.
Or he could fix your roof, instead.
And he likes to sing while playing guitar.
He drinks too much, tells dirty jokes,
approves of rednecks and guns.
He's volatile and loving by turns.
J's Father- Jon Voigt.
Our selection of Voigt reflects
his looks more than his manner.
Ian Holm in The Sweet Hereafter
reminds me of J's father, a bit,
though I'd be hard pressed
to define the resemblance.
J's Mother- Glenn Close
for looks and intensity level,
Georgia Engel for manner of speech.
It's a potent combination--
I'll leave it at that.
My Sister- Nia Vardalos.
My sister was horrified by this choice,
though I couldn't say why.
She thinks she should be played
by Phoebe Cates.
Who doesn't, really?
Just ask Judge Reinhold.
Or Kevin Kline.
Unfortunately for her,
my sister's not in charge of casting.
J and I agree-- Vardalos it is.
Our Brother-In-Law
(My Sister's Husband)- Moby.
Or Steve Buscemi, dressed like Moby.
BIL wasn't thrilled with his casting, either.
He and his wife might have to
produce their own biopics.
BIL's father- Max Wright,
otherwise known as The Dad from ALF.
We might not have cast
a secondary character so quickly,
except that he really does
look like the dad from ALF.
J's sister- Julia Stiles.
Both for looks and general glum-ness.
My Aunt
(Mother's Sister)- Susan Sarandon.
I hope I age as well as my aunt has.
She and Sarandon also share
an aura of well-dressed hippy-ness,
and an activist spirit.
My Younger Cousin- Drew Barrymore.
Parallel life experiences influenced
this choice as much as looks or style--
though the resemblance is striking.
My Older Cousin- Lisa Kudrow,
with a big dollop of Maura Tierney.
Or maybe Stacy London as a blonde.
Pretty, with some hard edges.
Goofy, but her sarcasm
will cut you, bitch.
Fashionable. Genuinely warm-hearted.
There are a lot of contenders, but
the perfect choice is still out there.
My Uncle
(My dad's brother)- Tommy Smothers.
J' friend R, or
Our Best Man- John Turturro.
It might just be the hair.
Or the glasses.
Or the sense that he's a nice guy,
but still kind of weird.
My Non-gay Gay Friend From New York, M-
John C. Reilly.
M's response: "Hey. That's cool.
I like him. Good choice."
I'm glad some people
are happy with their casting.
My Non-gay Gay Friend From Maine, VB4-
A magical hybrid of Michael J. Fox
and Philip Seymour Hoffman.
I'm not sure what VB4
thinks of these choices.
He's still smarting
over being dubbed my non-gay
gay friend.
My friend SJ- Shelley Long.
Well-bred, well-educated, quirky--
she seems innocent, maybe naive,
until she shows everyone
what she's really made of
by winning with style.
SJ's husband- Paul Giamatti.
My friend V- Toni Collette.
Toni Colette doesn't look
completely unlike V.
But she captures a lot of
what I consider V's
primary character traits--
a vulnerable, open heart,
coupled with the strength
of stability and purpose,
and an air of no-bullshit
common sense.
Plus, Toni Colette plays good moms.
And V's daughter's a dead ringer
for Abigail Breslin.
And now,
the moment you've all
been waiting for--
the two starring roles...
J, or, My Husband- Tim Robbins.
There's some physical resemblance.
Which might explain why
my aunt's so keen to offer J back-rubs
when we're home for the holidays.
On a less superficial level,
Robbins and J are both mild-mannered,
reserved, liberal-minded idealists.
They enjoy iconoclasm
and occasional silliness.
Not too long ago,
we re-watched The Shawshank Redemption
on TV. He and I were both struck
by the scene where Andy DuFresne
failed to convince a jury
that he was the innocent, grieving husband
of a murdered wife.
DuFresne responded to his grief
with numbness, withdrawal.
He seemed cold, when
he was anything but.
J and I could both picture
J in those circumstances,
suffering the same fate.
We were both upset by the image.
At the other extreme
of the Tim Robbins-as-J spectrum,
I find it very easy to imagine
J smirking and pronouncing something
a humdinger.
Other contenders for the role of J:
Ralph Fiennes.
Liam Neeson.
They capture his quiet intensity
and a bit of his profile...
but then, my judgement on this point
might be biased.
Me- Hmmm.
I'm uncomfortable casting myself,
since I doubt I see myself
objectively enough
to make a good choice.
As for famous people
I've been told I resemble,
Neve Campbell, Anne Hathaway,
and Alanis Morissette
have each been mentioned
on numerous occasions--
with Alanis strongly
in the lead.
Much to my chagrin.
I'm sure you can guess
which choice on this list
I'd find most flattering.
And hey, she has some experience
playing earnest youths
who run around the garment district
sloshing their Starbucks,
trying to make their mark on the big city.
Of course, J thinks
none of those ladies would do.
Not enough depth, he says.
Sweet talker.
"Maybe Hope Davis,
if she went brunette and wore contacts."
Well, she's certainly capable
of drastically changing her affect--
as anyone who's seen both American Splendor
and Next Stop Wonderland would attest.
She's a good actor.
And she's pretty.
Actually, she might be another
good choice for SJ.
I'd rather choose someone
who didn't need to go to such lengths
to look like me.
"What about Madeleine Stowe?"
"Wow. Really?
You think I look like her?
I mean, I'm really flattered,
but I don't know if I see it.
Beyond the hair, I mean."
"No. You don't really look like her.
Who you really look like
is Bettie Page."
"Yeah, whatever. You're delusional."
"Don't be so sure--
I've seen your body
from a lot more angles
than you have."
I wonder if that's true.
Regardless,
I'm lucky he takes his glasses off
before he comes to bed.
