Personal resolve.

I suppose it's not surprising, given the time of year, that I'm thinking a lot lately about how I've been spending my time and what I want to accomplish with my life and what needs to change to bring to vision in my head a little closer to the life I'm actually living.

I'd like to lose weight. There's a shocker. In the Western World, who doesn't, really?

But I'm still resistant to the notion of dieting. I don't know about you, but when I diet, all I do is think about food all the damn time. Shhhh. I'd rather be fluffy, and have more interesting things happening above the neck.

Still, I think I have some habits I could change. And I have plans to re-engage with my body. After all those months of running 3-6 miles, almost every day, and seeing absolutely no change on the scale, I lost heart. But even if I wasn't losing weight, the running made me feel good, both in my body and in my mind. So I want to get back into that.

And I have new running shoes, and a warm bunting for my boy-o's stroller, so I should be able to get going on that as soon as there's no slush outside.

I also have plans to buy myself a nifty hula hoop with some of my Xmas money! Hee hee! That'll be a fun way to exercise while Sprog's asleep.

I made some good headway on my book project, back in November. But there's a lot still to be done. I think I should set a deadline for this stage of the process-- maybe to finish up by April, so I can move on to some of the serious editing my project needs.

I'm lucky, in that I have a forum friend who's been reading what I've written so far. He's supportive, but frank, which is a great combination for a first reader. And it probably shouldn't surprise me, but it does, how much my view of my work changes, when new eyes are looking at it. It's so hard to have any real perspective on something I've worked on for so long. I believe in it, but I can't tell if it's really any good to anyone who lives outside my head.

Anyway. I'm thinking I need to do whatever it takes to make this work polished enough to try for publication. I need to try. I owe it to myself, and to a certain time in my life, to see how far I can take this. Even if in the end it doesn't go anywhere, or I end up self-publishing.

We'll see.

Of course, there's also the issue of needing to earn a living, which will likely become pressing rather shortly. How do I go about doing that? I have zero interest in trying to pursue my old track of work. I'd rather get some mindless placeholder of a job than try to wedge myself into that old format. But how do I do that, and make sure Sprog is cared for? What's the point of taking a job if I pay all my earning to childcare? I'd rather just stay home with him, if that's the case. Frankly, I'd rather stay home, regardless, and care for him and work on my book and a few art projects I've got in the hopper.

But the rent. You MUST pay the rent! But I can't pay the rent!
Curses.

So. How can I go about making money in ways that allow me to provide the best care for Sprog, and yet also provide me with rich, interesting, remunerative work?

It's a problem.
I've got some ideas, though.
I'll keep you posted.

In the meantime, I really need to get better at actually getting things done while Sprog's awake. Man, I don't know how everyone does it-- especially moms with more than one kid.

He's at this exciting, amazing age, where he's toddling, and starting to communicate, and expressing real opinions and preferences and personality.

And boy does he hate it if I'm paying attention to anything other than him.

It's awful. I realize I should probably be strict, but he already has developed ways of flirting and grinning to redirect my gaze if I've been lost in my thoughts for too long. And they just delight me. They make me laugh.

Delighted laughter doesn't make for strong discipline.

Add into that the fact that I think this age has brought with it a whole mess of new fears and anxieties for my little one. I sympathize-- when you start to realize you really do exert at least some control over your fate, even if it's only by choosing whether to stay or to go, the responsibility looms large-- not to mention the fear of making the wrong choice.

I see him, so often, these days, crying because he can't decide if he wants the milk or he doesn't, or if he wants to walk to the next room or he wants to stay with me.

I think he wants both. And I can really sympathize with that.

So. These are the main issues occupying my mind these days, as we approach the close of the year.

If I had to sum up my wishes for myself in 2013, I guess I'd say I hope I find a way to make my desires manifest, to keep my faith in myself, and to move with confidence towards the things I want and the things I need, so I can build a fulfilling life for myself and my family.

As for any of you that have read thus far, I wish you joy, and comfort, and courage for whatever trials may lie ahead.

Happy 2013!

Comments

[Kathi]

Happy New Year to you and yours!

The balance between home and work is a hard one to find. And, it's so unique for everyone. May this new year bring you the balance you are looking for.

[roo]

Thank you, Kathi!

Today, I've gotten more of the decorations dismantled. I've tried to do some other stuff, but have pretty consistently been foiled by the toddler, so...

Something to work on!

I hope your new year is off to a great start.

[tracey]

Happy New Year, roo! I'm looking forward to seeing where all this goes for you this year. I need to find my courage in certain creative areas of my life -- as you said, "a way to make my desires manifest."

[roo]

Thanks, tracey. I'm excited for you, too-- waht a beautiful new home! I wonder what changes it will bring you. And I hope you'll have time to create more of your little women. They have so much possibility!