Ba-leeted!

Or-- The End of the 30/60 Rule.

There's this advice column/blog that I discovered shortly before X-mas, tailored towards wordy nerds with poor social skills. And I really liked it. I thought the author was smart and witty, and gave cogent, sensible advice that I frequently found useful.

(I should note: I still do think those things.)

It was a blog crush, I guess. Any of you ever have one of those?

At any rate, I decided to email her a quick "I'm really enjoying your blog" love-note-- which isn't really in character for me, but seemed to go with the culture of her site, which has a nicely-integrated social group of commenters/fans.

At the time, I was really feeling lousy about my body ( I posted here about it.) I'd gotten all kinds of snarky comments, from strangers, and even from a guest in my home. So when she had a post about dieting, and how sick everyone there was of listening to people talk about their diets, and fat acceptance and such, I decided to share some of what I was thinking. Well, it ended up being kind of a brain-dump about what I was thinking-- wanting to accept my body the way it was, wanting other people to treat me well no matter my size, but still wanting to stay healthy and fit and so forth.

I'd have just deleted it elsewhere, but here comments regularly were five or six paragraphs long-- and it was late in the thread, so I wasn't worried about derailing the main discussion. Plus readers frequently posted personal anecdotes, and if mine was a little anxious and weird, well-- it was on a site that was for anxious and weird people.

Plus, I really needed to talk about it.

And she deleted it, along with another person's post, because the letter-writer in the OP didn't need to hear about my body issues. Fair enough, though many, many people in the thread, including the blog author, already had discussed their body issues. The difference was that I talked about wanting to lose weight, because I'd seen how obesity created huge health problems for my parents.

Later, the blogger emailed me back to thank me for my little note, and when I apologized for making an awkward comment right out of the gate, reminded me again that American culture and the diet industry were working to control my thoughts about size.

Well. Yes. I guess they are, to a point. Doesn't change that being fat has health repercussions. But I agree, there are many things people do that are unhealthy that don't earn someone the kind of disdain being fat does. And that's not fair or right.

But. Can I tell you how mortified I was to have made that comment that got deleted? And THEN, I felt worse, because not only did I feel bad for being fat, I felt bad for feeling bad about being fat, because now I was just participating in this culture of oppression.

I ended up writing several blog entries of my own, trying to work out those feelings-- and sort of hoping she would see I'd taken her words to heart (I knew she read my blog from time to time).

Ugh.

I still enjoyed her site, but I found myself getting nervous every time I posted, because I didn't want to be found unacceptable again. I'd keep checking back, to make sure no one had taken offense.

The fuck? Why was I acting like this? I know, I had a crush on her whole little blog community, and I wanted to be a part of it.

Anyway, the other day there was a letter from a writer who wanted to be sensitive towards a co-worker who has bipolar-- a co-worker who is very difficult to work with.

One commenter griped about a former co-worker of her own who'd had BP. Then, in a second-comment afterthought (or at least that's how it read to me) said something to the effect of: " Don't worry, not all people with bipolar are terrible in the workplace."

I admit, I'm sensitive on this point. I wrote, "Well, that's generous. Just most of them?"

Later on in the thread, I commented on the letter-writer's description of her own behavior-- mentioned my own diagnosis, gave her big props for sensitivity, reinforced that she'd been right to enforce boundaries regardless of the co-worker's illness, and so forth. So, I didn't just drop into the thread to snark and then disappear.

Anyway, I finally braced myself to check back today, and that first comment had been deleted.

Fine. It's her blog-- she can delete whatever she wants. But man, did I just hit my limit in terms of my willingness to put myself out there to be judged.

Actually, I would have been okay with being judged. I could have dealt with an angry response, or an email asking me to explain myself.

But this-- Nope. Not acceptable. You're disappeared.

In retrospect it shouldn't surprise me that a woman who gives advice as a hobby might be pushy and opinionated, and in this case her opinion is that deleting comments is the way to keep things civil.

Fine.

In fact, I just followed her advice, and deleted her column from my blogroll.

And I feel great.

Comments

[Kathi]

I find it interesting how much control some people place upon their blog. It's certainly in their right to do so, but I still find it interesting.

I'm curious...Does this person have a comment policy that is clear to understand?

I would think that if you're willing to dish out advise, you should be willing to be open to listening to people's opinions as long as they are being civil with their words.

[roo]

Yeah, she's pretty forthright that she deletes comments at her own discretion (according to her interpretation of Anil Dash's description of good comment policy, which I think I linked to in "Potpourri.")

And that's her right. Though I tend to agree with you.

But it's tough for me to know that I wasn't being a troll, and to see other snarky or arguably off-topic comments pass muster when mine don't.

For instance, quite a bit of vitriol gets leveled at anyone on her site who reads as slightly misogynist. But my relatively mild comment re- another reader's slight ableism about bipolar colleagues, in a thread about ableism and bipolar colleagues, got deleted.

You know, I think I realized this blogger is just not that into me. Which kinda sucked for a while. But I'm moving on.

[Kathi]

You're probably better without it anyway. But, I understand how frustrating it can be to try and fit into something and then find that you can't make you're way in. I've had several "friendships" go that way.

[roo]

Well, I'm sorry to hear that, Kathi. But as for being better off without, yeah, totally.

Leaves room in your life for people who might fit without all the work.

[tracey]

roo -- Wow. I'm kinda stunned. I'm not familiar with the blog you mention, but she's giving advice tailored towards people with poor social skills?

Uhmm .........

Is she including HERSELF in that category? Seriously, I don't understand her deletion of your comments AT ALL. Why does she seem to have such a red ass for you? She writes to you about how you're letting the culture oppress you and then turns around and essentially "oppresses" others on her blog by deleting their comments. You can speak with the wisdom of personal experience about BP. The post was about a co-worker with BP. You leave a comment -- based on your intimate firsthand knowledge of BP -- and SHE DELETES IT??? I'm sorry. How is that NOT oppression, of a sort? Or at least suppression.

By randomly deleting comments on what seems like a regular basis, she HERSELF is creating a culture of oppression. You shouldn't feel NERVOUS going to a blog you like or worry if your comments will be accepted.

I thought she was big on acceptance.

So ... not really, huh?

So sorry, roo. Hope she finds herself a nice blog with good advice about social skills.

[tracey]

And, yes, while I have to confess to a "mea culpa" about comment deletion myself, it takes a pretty extreme situation for me to ever do that. In my 7 years of blogging, I've probably deleted fewer than 10 comments.

There have been commenters over the years that I've had to kind of "manage" by putting them in moderation first, but it has usually been an issue of ongoing disrespect or flat-out rudeness, not someone offering a different viewpoint or another approach to something. One assumes she wants interaction on her blog but if she continues with her kamikaze deletions of comments she just "doesn't like" or don't fit her agenda (which she clearly has), then she won't HAVE any more interaction on her blog. And she won't deserve it, frankly.

The more I think about this, the more pissed off I get for you.

[roo]

Thanks, tracey. The irony you point out in your first comment was not lost on me.

You know, a blog is a dictatorship, but where I rule, I allow disagreement and differences in tone-- just not personal attacks or hatefulness or out-and-out wingnuttery. Or ads or trolling-- but those are obvious.

And I do think it's strange that someone who purports to uphold the awkward would be so harsh in her judgements of acceptable behavior, when it falls within boundaries of a simple difference of perspective.

But realizing that sort of thing is what got me out of that little daze that was leading me to try to snip off my own inconvenient bits. So that's good.