The 30/60 rule.

I've been mulling over my propensity to be an insensitive jerk. An unwitting one, but still-- one might argue that the unwittingness is simply symptomatic of the general insensitivity.

I used to work in costume shops, which are largely peopled by women and gay men, who like to talk and/or snark while they work (I'm not saying all women and all gay men like this-- just the ones that are drawn to costuming.) And I can remember many a time, listening to the stitch and bitch sessions, where some tiny thing was complaining that she couldn't fit into her size six jeans anymore, or someone else was asking the room for sympathy because she'd broken into double-digit sizes, and thinking to myself: Do they not realize I am right here? And that I am obviously larger than the sizes they find so damn horrifying?

I think I might have been doing that very thing to other people, with some of my recent body image posts. And I'm ashamed.

Now, to put this in context, I've been doing some online socializing in new places, which is the sort of thing that brings out my big bag of neuroses (Santa's present this year is mild paranoia!) So let me put this out there somewhere near the top of this post-- it's entirely possible, maybe even likely, that comments I'm reading as describing my behavior aren't in fact about me at all.

But I think it might be better to just unwrap this package now and get it over with.

I'm having body issues. Really? I know!

I don't think there's anything wrong with my body, given my circumstances. Find out you're pregnant, quit smoking, get laid off from work, have your therapist dump you, and have to go off your mood stabilizing meds (for the pregnancy) all in the same week (almost exactly a year ago today, in fact!) and it's reasonable to think you might gain some weight. In fact, it would be somewhat freakish and arguably less healthy not to gain weight in that situation.

I believe this, I accept this. But it's still hard to work through feeling so different, looking so different, so suddenly, and to know from regular comments and the behavior of people I meet that those changes I'd like to think are just my judgmental eye regarding my reflection are in fact apparent to all.

And I need to work through that.

But all things considered, it's not a big problem. And there may be a lot of people who'd like to look like I do, right at this very moment.

So should I just shut up about it?

I keep thinking of Jack's line from 30Rock:
She needs to lose thirty pounds or gain sixty. Anything in between has no place on television.
This is me. I don't just mean weight-wise, though it's apt. It's a metaphor for my life problems. They're big. Weightier than most, maybe. Just not big enough to be watchable.

Gllgh. That's not quite what I mean. But I'll let it stand for now.

About a month ago, I met a woman on my forum, who made a passing reference to being hospitalized for mental health issues. I thought to myself, Oh! It's nice to see someone else here who understands what that's like.Later, this woman posted about how she tried to kill herself when she was delusional and depressed-- took a bottle of sleeping pills and went to bed in a snowdrift. She was rescued, but lost her fingers to frostbite. And I realized I was pretty presumptuous to think we had this shared experience after all. What I've been through just wasn't that bad.

I have the same feelings when people talk about abuse in their childhoods. Yes, that was part of my history too. But how bad could it have been, if I'm looking forward to visiting my parents at the end of the week? Sometimes I feel stupid even mentioning it-- even though I know that background still shapes the woman I am now.

[insert segue here]

Are you familiar with Elevatorgate? There are far too many links I could post to get you up to speed if you're not, but here's the gist: an atheist named Rebecca Watson, who hosts a video blog about skepticism and related issues, went to a conference and discussed sexism within the atheist community. After her talk, she hung out at the hotel bar with a group of conventioneers until the wee hours, before announcing that she was exhausted and was going up to bed. Some guy from the convention slipped into the elevator with her. They were alone together. He made a pass. She felt really uncomfortable, being alone with a strange man coming on to her in an elevator in a hotel in a foreign country in the wee hours of the morning.

She mentioned the incident on her vlog, and asked guys not to do that sort of thing. A shitstorm erupted. And Richard Dawkins, who'd been a fellow speaker at the conference, posted a snarky comment here, essentially saying that Watson has some nerve complaining about sexist atheists and seemingly creepy guys in elevators when there are women in Arab countries who face clitoridectomies and aren't allowed to drive.

I can't sum it up any more concisely than that. And as you might imagine, an even bigger shitstorm erupted.

But the upshot (at least amongst many thinkers/writers/bloggers I respect) was that while the problems Rebecca Watson and similar educated, Western, white women face are not generally as grave as those confronting women in different circumstances, they are still real, still valid, still worthy of discussion, still problems that need to be solved. There's always someone who has it worse, but that's no reason for silence.

So. Getting back to my gut...
Should I just shut up about it?

I'm thinking no. At least, not here. For one, it's on my mind enough that I'm brain-dumping essays about it all over the internet, and I've gotta cut that shit out. For two, my problems might be too big for smallness and too small for bigness, but they're mine to manage, all the same. And who knows? The right audience might find it helpful, or interesting, or might just be happy to find another who is dealing with something similar.

Still, reading about my body could be boring as fuck for some people-- people I'd love to have reading whatever I write that isn't about my soft underbelly (Which I do! I do write about other things! This has just been on my mind a lot lately.)

So I've come up with a solution: the 30/60 rule, which states that while I may be 30 pounds too heavy and 60 pounds too light for television, I'm just the right size for the Internet.

I'll mark pertinent posts with a 30/60, so if you see it, you can run screaming. Or come on in. Which is of course what I'd prefer.

Comments

[Kathi]

I asked this question on my blog not too long ago...Is a woman's state of mind regarding her life and the stress placed upon her a valid issue to respond to?

I asked this because of a comment that I read on another post about a woman expressing her frustration that said, "Sounds like a first world problem."

I understand the "first world problem" comment, however, does that mean that we should invalidate someone's problem?

Women (and men) all deal with different problems. Body image. Abuse. Sexism. Friends (or lack of, in my case). Children. Family. The list could go on. What we need is a little more compassion, listening and caring for each other instead of judging each other for the issues that we are dealing with.

[tracey]

roo -- It's your blog. Write what you like and what you want. I love whatever you choose to write about and I imagine others who come here feel similarly. I think people read more personal blogs -- as opposed to political/religious/sports blogs -- because they LIKE the personality on the blog and want to "hang out" there, regardless of what is written about.

I understand the paranoia, though. I felt that just recently with all the church posts. Just looking at all of them in the drafts box was like, "Srsly, Tracey?? You're gonna dump this on people?"

So, in a fit of paranoia one day, I wrote that post about that very issue and everyone was very supportive. Yes, my church issue is nothing compared to many people's issues, but it's not nothing and it's not nothing to ME. From posting our story this summer so that FOCers could see it, I know from the responses we got that it resonated with many people. A problem doesn't have to be huge to hurt or anger or be a burden. Too many will struggle in silence with what they consider "lesser" issues, too embarrassed to admit they hurt, so bringing to light even the things we worry may be too small is a way of serving and perhaps freeing others in similar situations. They feel less alone.

The issue of body image is one that many, if not most, women deal with. I do, too. So I say "Write away!" You're resonating perhaps more even than you think.

It's important -- and it's important to YOU. So keep writing.

[roo]

Kathi, I remember that post. It's the sort of thing that occupies my mind, as well. Perspective is important, and can be really helpful, sometimes, but this: "What we need is a little more compassion, listening and caring for each other instead of judging each other for the issues that we are dealing with."

Yes.

tracey, your maybe church posts are beautifully written, and I can't imagine anyone (except, maybe, the FOCers) reading them and not liking you for your words and admiring you for your insight and fortitude.

Thanks for the encouragement.

[Kathi]

I think my challenge for the new year will be to open up a bit more on my blog about my struggles. I may make some people mad at me, but I'm ready to get some things out. It's nothing earth shattering, but, it's what is important to me and what is bothering me.

BTW - You and Tracey are my encouragement behind this!

[roo]

Kathi, that's great. Good luck!

[Suzyn]

I think you have to tell your story, because it's yours. Comparison is deadly.