Toxic Boobs.

Breast is best.

...the perfect food for your baby...

...designed by nature to meet your child's nutritional needs...

...costs nothing...

...no need to prepare, nothing to pack...

...ready to feed whenever and wherever your baby needs it...

...reduced risks of gastrointestinal distress, diarrhea, obesity later in life...

...bonding...

...breast-fed babies have higher IQs...

...immunological benefits...

...healthy bacteria... gut flora...

...breastfed babies get sick less often...

...no formula can compare with the benefits of breastmilk...

Why wouldn't you breastfeed?
Don't you want what's best for your baby?
Don't you love your son?

It's coming. I can sense it already.

Yes, damn it. Yes, I want what's best for my baby.
Yes, I want to keep him healthy.
Yes, I want to breastfeed my son.

I bought the LilyPadz,
the nipple cream, the nursing bras.
I've been watching how-to videos online.
I've been practicing the cradle grip, the football hold.

I've been reading about foremilk and hindmilk and clogged ducts and how to treat nipple tears and how to recognize mastitis. I've learned about pumping, and fenugreek tea, and how to diagnose and remedy supply issues.

I've taken comfort from the accounts of other new mothers, who overcame painful learning curves to become breastfeeding champs.

I've looked up my local lactation support groups.

And it doesn't matter.

Because I won't be breastfeeding.

And no, there's nothing wrong with my boobs. At least, not so far as I know. No inverted nipples. I've never had a breast reduction. The equipment is in good shape and ready to use.

It's my brain.

But haven't you heard? You can take many anti-depressants while breastfeeding. What about Zoloft? My friend had post-partum depression, and she was on meds, and she nursed just fine...

That's wonderful. I realize I may read sarcastic writing this, but I mean it. I'm glad that there are so few medicines that actually contraindicate breastfeeding.

But I don't take antidepressants. In fact, antidepressants are likely to make me quite sick-- setting off rapid mood cycles or mania.

Yes, this is what I'd like to be talking about with neighborhood moms giving me the stink-eye in the baby aisle. My mental illness. Nope, not the baby blues kind, or even the how-could-Tom-Cruise-be-so-evil-to-Brooke-Shields kind. The going to the hospital for electro-convulsive therapy kind.

I think that'll make me really popular at the Mommy and me classes, don't you?

I wonder if I'd feel better about this if I weren't feeling so damn normal. I feel healthy. Content. I'm excited about becoming a mom. I'm sleeping well, eating well, getting everything in order for the boy-o's impending arrival.

And I've been feeling this way for months. Just... happy. Engaged with life, and happy.

But as it turns out, the lady hormones that send other pregnant people through the emotional wringer are actually serving me in good stead these days.

Unfortunately, once I give birth, those hormone levels are going to plummet. The graph my psych team showed me earlier this week bore a remarkable resemblance to a herd of lemmings rushing off a cliff.

So even though I'm not on meds currently, and I feel fine, once I give birth I have a forty to seventy percent chance of getting very sick.

I could get PPD. Which would be bad enough-- as many of you, unfortunately, know. But I could also get delirium-- a charmingly changeable condition where one moment I seem fine, and the next moment I don't know what day it is. Or I could become manic.

Fun fact: Do you know one of the most likely triggers of a manic episode is sleep deprivation? Not that waking up every two to three hours to breast-feed a baby might lead to sleep deprivation.

Another fun fact: Did you know that a manic episode can suddenly precipitate post-partum psychosis?

What an ugly word that is. Psychosis. Applying that word to myself makes me feel... worse than unclean.

I'm sure you've all heard about post-partum psychosis. It tends to get a lot of news coverage when it happens. Like when that woman drove her family into a lake, because she thought they'd be better off.

Can you imagine what it would feel like, to know you have even a small potential to be like that woman?

I hope not.

The good news is, I can take a medication that has years of evidence proving its prophylactic powers against such momentous ills. Hooray for science!

I've even taken this medication before, and know that it works for me.

But it is very present in breastmilk.

Even so, my medical team did not out-and-out forbid me to breastfeed. I could. I'd have to get regular blood tests for myself and my son. Why not? No reason not to subject a newborn to having vials of blood drawn from him on a regular basis.

Of course, he will be quite small. Which means a little dehydration from a cold or something similar could lead to him suddenly having toxic levels in his blood. Which could lead to thyroid damage, or kidney failure, or neurological developmental delays. Or...

Or I could just feed him formula. Okay? Maybe we'll just do that. And then J can take over a night feeding or two, so I won't get too run down, and we don't have to worry about the rest of this bullshit.

Not that I said anything like this in my meeting with my doctors.

"Based on what you're saying, it sounds like I'd be foolish to breastfeed."

"We wouldn't say that. But choosing not to breastfeed will pose the fewest risks to you and your child."

The doctors were very sympathetic, very kind.

They smiled when J slipped his hand into mine, gave it a squeeze.

I didn't cry. Not then, anyway. I'd gotten most of that out of my system, reading the studies they'd printed out for me, earlier in the week.

J leaned over to me and said, "Don't forget, this nation won two World Wars with a formula-fed citizenry."

I laughed a little. Oh, how I love that man.

"We're raising our own Greatest Generation, huh?"

"That's right."

Comments

[jayne]

Oh, roo, you are already such a good mother. The little boy is very lucky to have both you and J awaiting his arrival.

As for the neighborhood moms - screw 'em. Tell them you're an eighth werewolf and you don't want to pass that trait along. Then bare your teeth in a friendly smile.

Sorry, I just have no patience for anyone that judges or even casts sneering looks at a mom. That whole "walk a mile in someone else's moccasins" thing, you know? Unless people are walking around with sandwich boards describing why they've made all the mothering decisions thus far, no one else has any way of knowing the back story. And it's none of their business anyway.

You're ALREADY being a far more responsible mother than some mothers out there. The reason why just doesn't lend itself as readily to playground chit chat.

Hang tough. You're doing fine.

[Dawn]

Sweetness, It is entirely Fine To NOT breastfeed. Entirely Fine. I can't tell who was breastfed when I teach University Undergrads and who wasn't...because there is NO difference.

from my point of view - the one in which I Skimmed psychosis PPD - you are doing all of the right things. You have a team to consult with, to collaborate.

As you know, one of my deepest worries was IF I had another baby, the odds of my having a worse depression was exponentially more. There was never any question as to "if" I would have to stay on Anti-depressants. And it scared me because I knew how terrible that other place had been And how I very nearly lost myself, and Emily by extension.

I don't want that for you, so if deciding to not breastfeed takes it off ( or decreases it) the plate , then so be it. Your baby will know You as his mother from the get go - a nipple in the mouth makes no difference what so ever.

And here is a word - Cabbage leaves for your post delivery breasts. I know you know, but they really DO help.

I should get one of my "I value your opinion about my parenting" shirts printed up and sent off to you. That will stop the questions, dead.

[Mayberry]

I wish they had just made it easier for you by flat out saying, Don't do it. Sometimes I really hate when doctors want to empower patients!

[Tammie]

You have to take care of yourself first, that's what makes a truly good mother. Try not to feel guilty about this Roo, you are doing the absolute right thing. xoxo